Mania High Switch

There have been several distinct times in my life where I felt the oddest tingling of my body. Physically tingling of my body like electricity. It feels so good. I thought it was because of ‘him’. Those few times actually did feel like I was literally high. I made a lot of mistakes high, too.

The last time I was manic I felt as though an instant switch had gone off one day. I had made a mistake at work and when I realized it my body went into a panic. I could feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. It was then that I started to spiral out of control.

Over the next couple of weeks I’d become paranoid and I was suddenly afraid of ghosts. I was likely psychotic. I became uncharacteristically religious. My mind would not let my mistake go. I was so anxious and obsessive over the job situation. I also had a false sense of grandiose thinking, believing I could easily get a new job.

At this point I feel like I’m at the most stable I’ve been in 2.5 years (and maybe ever). There haven’t been super highs and super lows. I don’t feel very depressed but I feel still do feel low, dull, apathetic and anxious. I think that’s my new norm. I’ve had small bouts of hypo-mania which are a welcome thing. Luckily I’m not dipping too much afterwards.

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I Don’t Just Mean A Headache

I just read this quote from here by Joan Didion and found it via Out Of My Head

“When I say a headache I don’t mean just a headache, I mean something that would totally brutalize you.”

So very true.  I use headache for a migraines in general. I’ve wondered if that downplayed my pain in any way to others who have inevitably heard me mutter “I have a headache” under my breath.

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Worrier

worryI’m sure it’s completely my imagination that makes me so paranoid someone might figure out it’s me, Spinster Patty. What if?  The internet is forever.

It’s also my imagination that the guy who just walked past my house was going to turn up my driveway and come hold me hostage or something. Worried so that I get a visceral reaction. Why do I think such thoughts?

I also worry a bill collector will show up at my door. Or the electric company. Water department because I’m late paying my bill.

Or my mother. That’s a different story though 😉

Also…I worry when I’m driving I’ll get pulled over.  I’m not even doing anything wrong. I drive like a freakin grandmother.

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Migraines From Hell

Last night the migraine that I had through the day began to escalate pretty quickly. I always debate if I should take my medication.  Maybe it will go away.  Maybe I’m wrong and I wont get one.  Even though after 40 years I know when I’m going to get one.  It’s been my life for so long.

I took an ice pack and laid down.  My first med didn’t work and I was waiting for my second to relieve the pain. As I adjusted the ice over my head the plastic crinkled and I was immediately taken back to laying in bed on my lunch break with ice waiting for a bad migraine to go away and then return to work.

I worked in a doctor office so it was easy for me to grab two of the cheap instant ice packs. Probably the only perk of the job. I’d try to sneak out a little early if I could and run home to lay down with my ice and wait to see if the meds would kick in. If someone happened to be home when I was running into the house I’d utter “bad headache, laying down”.

It happened often.  Many days each week. I’d lay there resting trying to will it away, wishing I could call out.  I’d dread having to go back into the office with my migraine. Everyone would know. I felt like the weakest person in the office and that somehow this was my fault.

Rooming patients and dealing with doctors and pharmacists was the reality of my job. Being able to concentrate on my work was difficult. It’s hard to do your work while you’re trying not to focus on the stabbing eye now dripping and blurry. The nausea would linger…ugh.

I’m too hard on myself.  I was pretty kick ass to make it back to work and not let down my team. I pushed through and made it to 5 pm and then quickly hustling back home to bed.

Besides the migraines I was also dealing with un-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  Luckily (?!) Bipolar trumps migraines and I was granted disability after my mental break down.

Being on disability allows me to try to treat my migraines first in non-medicated ways.  I can take a shower, lay with ice in the dark. I don’t have to go into work with head pain and make it through 8 hours of it or explain why I needed to leave early for lunch.

Or where are all the ice packs were going?

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Enjoying The Small Things

img_3411I love the prompts from the daily post.  It’s great.  I was frequently writing them on my old (migraine) blog. But sometimes there is a word that I’d never use normally! It’s for inspiration anyway, right?

My daughter recently moved out. Happy but sad.  I moved my bedroom into hers because it’s larger and there are nice big windows. I’ve always wished we took that room but gave it to her because it was larger. As I sit now I’m watching the snow fall while sitting on my (made) med drinking a coffee. I love the front room!

The first night in the room as my husband was drifting off to sleep he noticed remnants of my daughters childhood.  Above our bed on her ceiling are an astral collection of glow in the dark stars.

Happy, sad.

Paper Clutter

I’m frustrated because every morning I sit here and want to write a blog post but end up deleting it.  I feel like I’m saying too much or I’m not making sense.

Writing used to be so much easier.  I had a very prolific blog.  I know now that I was highly manic when I was keeping it. I spent hours writing posts and rereading them. It was extremely private and more adult in nature.

Since I’ve left true mania far behind my “normal” self is more flat and uninteresting.  I also have a decline in my cognition. I’m not sure if it’s bipolar disorder or the constant anxiety but I cannot write like I used to.  I should probably practice more.  Frustrated of my simple sentences.  ARGH. I feel like each posts should be about one subject instead of my stream of consciousness rambling. Well too bad.  There’s a new girl in town.

Yesterday was a remarkable day. I have a mail/paper clutter problem.  I have problems going through the mail.  I let it pile up and don’t open things. We only have the funds available to pay the important stuff like mortgage and electricity and food etc.  The rest of the mail is mainly collection notices from medical appointments. But nothing is organized.  I occasionally open stuff, make a couple of piles and then the when it gets too overwhelming I begin piling it in a box or something.

My son kept telling me that he wanted to do his taxes.  I kept telling him we’d do it but I kept pushing him off.  I needed a specific paper for him and needed to go through everything in the bin which was months worth.

Yesterday he said he had the day off and we were doing the taxes.  I said it was Saturday…later, maybe tomorrow. He began to get angry and I said I couldn’t keep putting it off! I told him I would have to go through all the papers and it really bothers me and I am very anxious over it.]

Anyway, I did it.  I organized all the papers and he did his taxes.  It pushed me to gather my tax stuff and I will attempt to file myself.  I’m going to put together a budget and calendar together which I have been wanting to do but….overwhelmed.

I still need to really organize it. I have piles…this bank, that bank. But they are neatly organized and placed in (piles) in my filing cabinet.  I never feel like I can get rid of bank statements (not that I check them….because I”m an idiot) so there are piles. My dad is extremely anal about all that stuff.  Everything organized, paid early, file.  He keeps nearly every receipt….he’d SO FLIP if he need the state of my finances. Sometimes I wish I could ask him to give me a financial and paper clutter make over but I know he would seriously be so angry and exasperated over it.  (Yes I’m over 40 and want my dad to take care of my bills)

I have made such a change in the last two months. I really feel like it’s the nuvigil that is helping to give me that motivation push. Something is so off with my motivation. I knew there had to be a medication out there that could help. The adderall really did nothing.

I’ve now cleaned out so much stuff.  My laundry is done, kitchen dishes are not piling up.  My linen cabinet is tidy, my room is very tidy and uncluttered. Big progress…..not manically.  But daily I kept on it.  Another huge thing has been making my bed. It’s completely habit now.  “Messy Bed Messy Head” I read once and I said it to myself more than once.  I can see how I built that habit and how it was simple…but just repeating the action over again. Oh, and my house smells good! I never felt that way when I had a dirty kitchen.

Now it’s time to take over the mail and budget thing. It has held me back for so long.I want to take control of it so it doesn’t control me.

If you’re reading thanks 🙂

 
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Hunger

Ugh constant hunger. Between my psyche med and my ulcer symptoms I’m eating way too much.  The stomach pain goes away temporarily when I eat. I’m taking some prilosec and zantac but now consistently.  I’ve tried using tums when I run out of options.  It doesn’t seem to help.

I’m trying to take less NSAIDs which I do take for my migraines. I usually take it several times a week.  I think I used to take Excedrin much more frequently and got away with it.  Now after a couple doses I feel it.

I can’t believe how much less I used to eat when i worked.  I’d forget to eat lunch or my breakfast might have been a doughnut eaten through out the morning. I’d be running around doing my busy job. Now I’m eating every couple of hours when I feel the pain.  I’m trying to take the zantac when it happens but you can only take it so often. Yesterday I ate some carrots to stop the churning.  It still came back.

Off for some zantac….

 

 

The Beginning

It’s been a couple of years now that I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I quit my nursing job abruptly.  I had been having problems at work with my supervisor.  I made a mistake at work and snapped.  Now it’s so clear I was manic. My mind was going a million miles a minute and I was paranoid. After my breakdown I slipped into the worst depression of my life yet.

Before my snap I wasn’t seeing anyone a psyche doc. I had refused and relied on the mood stabilzer and antidepressant my primary doc was treating me with. I didn’t understand how paralyzing and serious bipolar disorder is.

My son has been experiencing a lot of mood swings and depression lately. We were able to see our primary doc who has begun treating him for bipolar too.  I’ve been trying to educate him about the disorder which is so much more than I thought.

I’m so glad for us to figure this out now rather than 30 years later after struggling with various mental health issues. I’m glad we’re addressing it now and I’m so thankful he wants to be better and is seeking treatment.

Knowing my son has had the same bad feelings as I’ve had is so devastating. He told me has always felt worthless.  My heart broke. To know your son has felt such sadness is heart breaking. But I think it’s also a bonding thing for us.  He’s honest with me and talks to me.  We’re very close.

Don’t Need Stuff

My husband collects kitchen utensils, pots, and shit at the goodwill pound.  He collects cookbooks.  He does not get my need for less clutter.  When there isn’t room for all the pans you have too many pans.  Do you really need 6 small soup pans? Five frying pans?Three kinds of meat hammers.  Enough! He can’t find what he needs because there is too much. And then too many pans to wash because he uses them all.  SMH.

But lately he has allowed me to clear out a lot. There’s been some compromise on his part. He claims he hasn’t even looked in the boxes and bags I’ve been sending him back to goodwill with. This is hard for him. He’s a natural collector.

It’s still a work in progress.  I found those 3 meat tenderizers yesterday.  I confronted him and he explained how each of them have different purposes. I can’t get through to him that you need each and every tool.  He could use a freakin pan to pound chicken.  I’ve seen it on the food network 😉

And veggie peelers………..

I pared it down to three.  He wanted to keep four. Two were the same but he liked that one best. Bottle openers, chef knives.

Less is more for me now.  We don’t need the stuff.
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Eight Things About Me

Sometimes making lists is fun.  I’m gonna do it.

  1. The first and most important thing you should know is that I have bipolar disorder. It impacts my life extraordinarily.
  2. I’m on disability.  I got approved on the first try. I like to say it proves how crazy I am.
  3. I’m not really a spinster.
  4. I’m a nurse.
  5. Animal lover.
  6. I have fibro and frequent migraines.
  7. Constant worrier.
  8. Used to be crafty.