I’m frustrated because every morning I sit here and want to write a blog post but end up deleting it. I feel like I’m saying too much or I’m not making sense.
Writing used to be so much easier. I had a very prolific blog. I know now that I was highly manic when I was keeping it. I spent hours writing posts and rereading them. It was extremely private and more adult in nature.
Since I’ve left true mania far behind my “normal” self is more flat and uninteresting. I also have a decline in my cognition. I’m not sure if it’s bipolar disorder or the constant anxiety but I cannot write like I used to. I should probably practice more. Frustrated of my simple sentences. ARGH. I feel like each posts should be about one subject instead of my stream of consciousness rambling. Well too bad. There’s a new girl in town.
Yesterday was a remarkable day. I have a mail/paper clutter problem. I have problems going through the mail. I let it pile up and don’t open things. We only have the funds available to pay the important stuff like mortgage and electricity and food etc. The rest of the mail is mainly collection notices from medical appointments. But nothing is organized. I occasionally open stuff, make a couple of piles and then the when it gets too overwhelming I begin piling it in a box or something.
My son kept telling me that he wanted to do his taxes. I kept telling him we’d do it but I kept pushing him off. I needed a specific paper for him and needed to go through everything in the bin which was months worth.
Yesterday he said he had the day off and we were doing the taxes. I said it was Saturday…later, maybe tomorrow. He began to get angry and I said I couldn’t keep putting it off! I told him I would have to go through all the papers and it really bothers me and I am very anxious over it.]
Anyway, I did it. I organized all the papers and he did his taxes. It pushed me to gather my tax stuff and I will attempt to file myself. I’m going to put together a budget and calendar together which I have been wanting to do but….overwhelmed.
I still need to really organize it. I have piles…this bank, that bank. But they are neatly organized and placed in (piles) in my filing cabinet. I never feel like I can get rid of bank statements (not that I check them….because I”m an idiot) so there are piles. My dad is extremely anal about all that stuff. Everything organized, paid early, file. He keeps nearly every receipt….he’d SO FLIP if he need the state of my finances. Sometimes I wish I could ask him to give me a financial and paper clutter make over but I know he would seriously be so angry and exasperated over it. (Yes I’m over 40 and want my dad to take care of my bills)
I have made such a change in the last two months. I really feel like it’s the nuvigil that is helping to give me that motivation push. Something is so off with my motivation. I knew there had to be a medication out there that could help. The adderall really did nothing.
I’ve now cleaned out so much stuff. My laundry is done, kitchen dishes are not piling up. My linen cabinet is tidy, my room is very tidy and uncluttered. Big progress…..not manically. But daily I kept on it. Another huge thing has been making my bed. It’s completely habit now. “Messy Bed Messy Head” I read once and I said it to myself more than once. I can see how I built that habit and how it was simple…but just repeating the action over again. Oh, and my house smells good! I never felt that way when I had a dirty kitchen.
Now it’s time to take over the mail and budget thing. It has held me back for so long.I want to take control of it so it doesn’t control me.
If you’re reading thanks 🙂