Mirror Mirror On The Wall

My self hatred continues. As I type this I can see my reflection on my laptop screen and I’m trying to avoid looking at it.  I absolutely hate the way I look. I’ve never loved how I looked, I’m not one of those people who posts selfies of themselves. Whenever I see someone posting a selfie I figure they like the way they look and want everyone to see. They look captivating and pretty. Even those that aren’t model perfect…I can still see the beauty in them. I just can’t in me. I don’t want anyone to look at me.

This is so much worse than when I was thinner. I spent a long time overweight and then I was able to lose weight with my adderall thanks to my ADHD diagnosis. It continued for maybe 5 years or so.  It was effortless but then, I also think I was experiencing bouts of hypo-mania at the time. I was also working full time.

Back when I started my nursing job I was extremely self-conscious. I could only focus on my under eye circles and my weight. I had an obsession with trying to find concealer and eye creams. I felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking I looked unhealthy. I didn’t want to be one of the fattest nurses in the office. As I slowly lost weight I did begin to feel a little bit better about my appearance. I forced myself to STOP thinking about it when I could it and helped.

Now I just hate it. I hate me. I hate the way I look and I cannot figure out how to fix this.  I know I probably have some body dysmorphia.  I have mentioned hating looking at myself in the mirror to my pdoc a while ago but she said it was the depression.

If only I could lose weight I’d feel less ugly.  My psyche med caused me to gain weight extremely fast and it gives me a huge appetite that’s never satiated. If I were thinner I’d care more about my appearance and maybe I’d get some cuter clothes. I feel so fat and dowdy. All of my cuter (smaller) clothes have been sent to GoodWill and I’m left with mostly button up flannels.  Lumberjack. They are XL’s and aren’t loose.

This probably also relates to showers and self care.  I’m showering weekly. Most days I brush my teeth. I have been trying to use some moisturizer daily. I have an “age spot” or something on my cheek and I feel like it’s getting darker. Hopefully it will fade. I have been using an eye cream too but now I’ve noticed two small white milia that seem to be forming so I will stop using it.

I just took a detour and did some searching about body dysmorphia. Sounds like me. Treatment is an SSRI which I’m already on. I doubt she will add or change it with my bipolar diagnosis. CBT…I’m not interested in therapy so I don’t know what the answer is.

I think I should keep writing though. It’s good to get these thoughts out of my mind.

 

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18 thoughts on “Mirror Mirror On The Wall

  1. oh love! Quit taking meds and start smoking weed! depression is all in your head , it is a top side affect of all of these meds, and these doctors are paid to make you feel this way.I know this from expeirience.. (go to naturalcures.com) Also, find people that speak of love and happiness.. you know those cheesy annoying happy people. stay away from orginized religion but feed your spirit! be one of those people and surround yourself with them. there is so much out there that self-love wants to show you. first step!? quit comparing yourself to others and drop the makeup, no one cares.. but you need to! about yourself. start your day off by looking in the mirror and reflecting some self-love every day a little more( look into your eyes, dont nit pic and look at a spot you think is bad look at the whole you all at once) 2 min and then 5 min and then get up to an hour of just loving yourself in that reflection and you will eventually see that everything in your life has changed. because you arent paying attention to anyone but yourself. live in those moments.. live in the moment its all you got girl. and you need to basque in it! I sugggest reading the Anam Cara and The art of happiness. but yes.. you were right about one thing, keep writing.. get that shit out and start putting good stuff in.. words and everything around you affect you to a cellular level. reprogram and hold on to your horses, cause they are gonna carry you on a wonderful loving journey if you let them!!! http://www.bubbalooblue.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can really relate to everything you’re saying here. It’s an almost constant monologue for me. I gained a good 50lbs thanks to lithium and I haven’t been able to make a dent in it.

      The way I’ve been able to break it is writing like you are here. Awesome. Super awesome. Seriously. I focus on what I like. My eyes, my hair. Whatever it is. I just try to find something every day. It helps me focus on anything else. I’ve had bulimia since I was a kid because of my body issues which you’d never know bc I never got skinny since I’m an emotional eater too. At this size, it’s really hard for me too feel good about my body, so I let the thoughts drop now. By that I mean, I don’t respond positively or negatively to the thoughts. Not “yeah I wish I wasn’t so fat” or “shut up why are you thinking that way” I breathe. A lot. Then I start saying thank you for stuff. That probably sounds corny, but “I am thankful I have food. I am thankful I have big boobs” whatever it doesn’t matter if it’s related or not. Just saying thank you helps change the thought patterns.

      I’m really really sorry for everything you’re going through. It’s a dark place and that is difficult. You coming here and writing about it is really cool. I’m sitting in my car trying to calm myself down from yet another panic attack and it was so nice remembering I am not alone. It’s why I write too. That helps me a lot. I’m
      Not alone, and if I can write about it, I can help someone else.

      So thank you for helping me. ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  2. we all are beautiful we realize it when we start actually sort of having issues.
    I wrote about this on women’s day.
    I always thought I am not good enough because my rest of the family is just crazy gorgeous. everyone would tell me I am wrong but I didnt believe it until autoimmune happened. my condition gave me visible issues. I was on steroids for 2.5 year. there was a time I swelled so bad I couldn’t smile.
    only then I realized I wasnt bad.
    now I will be grateful if I go back to my old normal self..
    there is something I do for myself. I hope it works for you too. if you wear lipsticks/eye make up or anything.
    I mean cosmetics. when you are home and on your own just wear your favorite make up or dress or.
    doll up for yourself. and dont worry about anything. you are just looking good for yourself.
    take a selfie if you want. stay like that as long as you want. believe me you will feel good.
    when I am feeling extremely down I wear a red lipstick for myself. I am dusky/brown it bring a huge difference in my appearance. I actually start feeling better.

    try it. hope it works for you.
    dont worry we all are beautiful ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry you hate how you look. I’m also sorry to say that I can relate. I am very overweight due to a daily marijuana habit I had (I don’t use it anymore) and I would binge eat and I gained a whole lot of weight. I just don’t like myself when I’m overweight and it’s hard for me to see how other people could like me. I am working really hard on my weight now and it’s hard as hell but it’s slowly coming down. But I know I need to love myself regardless…and you need to too ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This post speaks volumes to me . My weight fluctuates like a yo-yo . I hate looking in mirrors and never happy with my body unless I can squeeze into a corset. The only advice I can offer which is what I do is highlight ur best parts everyone got them . I enjoy wearing corsets because they miraculously make you lose a couple of dress sizes and gives you curves . I always feel sexy in mine.

    Liked by 1 person

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