How Do You Explain Bipolar Disorder

I’ve been thinking a lot about the job that I quit.  The job I loved for over 5 years. I’m still sad about it.  I walked away.  Panic, paranoia…I quit.  I’m thinking about it more lately, maybe I’m ruminating I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we reduced that fat pill.  That’s what she’s probably going to say.  We will increase the new pill!  Why aren’t a psyche doctor for God sake? Know it all.

Sometimes I just walk around my house and think that this is it.  This is who I am. I don’t have a “thing” or job.  I don’t do any of the  old crafts that I once did.  I used to quilt and knit, crochet and lots of other things that kept me busy.  Unbeknownst to me I did these things in a manic way.  I see it now. Once I have become more stable I have no desire to do any of these things that once kept me entertained. I kind of felt they defined me. It was my thing.

Now I have no desire or patience to do anything like that. I’ve been coloring.  I got a book with pretty floral designs and I have done a bunch of pages. It is relaxing and good for my anxiety. I don’t feel like I want to read a pattern or learn some new stitch.  It feels like an overwhelming task to me so I don’t.

This is my new normal I guess.  I’m supposed to be even, no depressive dips nor any manic highs. I can feel flat and numb sometimes too, though. I’m trying to be present and see joy in the little things.  I get that. And I’m glad I’m not at the breaking point again feeling so MANIC IMPULSIVE PARANOID ANXIOUS DEPRESSED…

The happy medium, here I am. Emotionless at times.

And here I am back thinking about that job.  I was….OR AM a nurse, though I’m no longer able to work. I loved my job and thought I’d be there forever. But I was CONSTANTLY anxious.  My ADD meds probably made things worse.  I felt like I needed to be on them because of my scattered brain, my forgetfulness. I don’t think I was inefficient. I could do my job and I was good at a lot of it, especially I was anxious or had a migraine or was in the bathroom puking or the IBS.

I haven’t really talked much to my parents much about the impact this has had on my life….bipolar disorder.  I think they think I’m just moody.  When I first told my mom I was applying for disability for bipolar disorder she kind of laughed and said “sweetie, they don’t give you disability for bipolar”.  Hah. HAAAH.  Yes the do mom.  They certainly do.  It trumped my long term chronic migraines, my IBS, my anxiety.

I’ve tried to explain it to her at times.  She says she gets it.  She was over last week and I pulled out my computer to read her some info. When I started to talk about manic symptoms I listed them and she said she got it.  Yeah, ok I understand. When I was first diagnosed I needed therapy.  (Yes…for some people go for it. It’s just not for me). Basically she was saying it was all in my head and therapy would straighten me out. She gets that there is a depression aspect as she also has suffered from depression. And she gets I need meds, too.  But there is a lot involved in my diagnosis that I just don’t think she gets.

A while back I was at their house and my dad looked at me and said “You really can’t work?” like he was confused and just didn’t get it.  I tried to explain to him that my brain doesn’t work right. I was constantly f’ing up at work, I can’t do math, I would put patients in the wrong rooms, I gave a wrong shot(it was out of order…and not really a huge thing but still a mistake and could have been serious)

When I was a little girl I remember him trying to help me with my multiplication facts.  He’d get so mad.  Now….he was my new stepfather sRo I’ve always given him a pass. I know how he is. And math is his thing.  But I couldn’t do the facts, probably because I was too nervous or ADD or whatever it was. No patience whatsoever.  I guess maybe it was a learning disability.  I went on and eventually was able to muddle through nursing school.  So I’m not stupid.  I have to have gotten through solely by mania.  Staying up til 2 or 3 oclock studying or doing a paper with school the next day at 7. It had to be.

How do you guys explain what bipolar is? My mum is bringing me to the psyche doc next week because I don’t currently have a car at my disposal. I was contemplating letting her come to my med check so she could kind of get an idea of things with the questions and assessment my psyche lady will do.

 

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Self Love

facelessI’ve been meaning to post but for some reason I was focusing on the daily prompt and the latest words haven’t related to me much. I feel like it has to be a word I would normally unlike talisman!!??  I need to remember that the prompts are to stretch your imagination and PROMPT you. I just want to be real.

So I changed my facebook profile recently to appear faceless.  I’m struggling with this continued self hatred of my looks and I don’t want a recent picture of me up there since I’ve gained weight.  My face looks so much better lighter….and I’m weighing myself daily (yes I knooooow this isn’t good) and it gives me a little motivation when I see the number go down a little.  It helps me stay on track and not binge on shit.

I put up a random picture to hide my face. To hide me. I didn’t want to use an older, thinner picture because that is not who I am now.  Does that make sense? UGH. I just don’t like myself and this is internal, I get it. I just don’t know how to fix it.

This is definitely something recent…within the last year or so with the weight gain due to the various anti-psychotic medications we have been trying for the bipolar. It is truly remarkable how ravenous they make you. You feel hungry constantly and there are true hunger pains even shortly after a meal. Nothing satisfied me. Luckily we cut that med down to a bitty dose and it seems far better. I can control my eating. These meds cause an increase in blood sugar, weight and cholesterol which is like, duh, you eat everything.

Man, I sound like such a negative person here.  I’m thankful for this outlet to get my bad feelings out.  I think it does help.  Thank you guys for reading and for your support.  It means so much, seems cliche, but it’s true.

 

Sometimes I get so tense but I can’t speed up the time

Just a little patience, yeah yeah yeah.

It’s no surprise that the lyrics to this song by Guns N Roses come immediately to mind.  I’m a child of the 80’s. And I’ve read that Axel Rose is “crazy”.  And I use that loosely.  So I feel for him because so I am.  Though…there was that rumor about him and a litter box that I just can’t get over. Allegedly.

Music is just such a weird thing for me. In the height of my mania it played a big role in it. I couldn’t get enough of live music. Overnight shows, risky business, spending too much money and drinking too much during the music.

Since I’ve been diagnosed, I’ve had two hypo-mania episodes going to a couple of shows. I’m able to recognize it now.  This last time I had been on a little road trip with a girlfriend(which I literally had to be dragged to go) It was a depressive phase but soon I was feeling so much better being out. I felt great. I was so happy and we had a great time. Once home I texted a friend about seeing another show soon and she replied sure after I was off my high. She has no idea of my diagnosis but she was so right on the money though. I was giddy. I was shocked at her very accurate description.

Luckily this episode didn’t last very long and I soon forgot about going back out which is why I wrote it off to hypo-mania. I’m far too concerned with my weight and looks to go anywhere.  Now, I can see if I were looking thin and feeling prettier being more tempted to go out. But going out isn’t so much a problem as it turning into full mania and next thing you know…I’m skinny! Increase in self esteem, sexuality, confidence.  All things that I need to be wary of.

Hope you guys are having a good weekend. ❤

Help, I’ve fallen And I can’t Get Up

She called this morning I’m sure because I have had a migraine all week. Yeah they are benign but they still effect my life and moms don’t want their kids to be in pain.  I can get through it thought. It’s a fact of life and there is no real hope for them to miraculously leave.  I remember a little while ago she confessed how sorry she was to give me these headaches and she’d take them for me if she could.  It’s not her fault.  I have some sort of fucked up brain and i can usually fix it if i have my meds.  I take too many for them (but with my doctors ok) but they help. I haven’t gone to the ER in years for a migraine which is really discouraged anyway.  We are drug seekers. And I don’t use opiates, btw.

While I was talking I tried not to cry but I broke down.  I explained it isn’t even the migraines.  It’s the ugly.  She reassured me as moms will do. I am not ugly.  I am beautiful.  Then she asked if she could stop over which I don’t usually like because of the status of my house. .  We have an issue where she is a freaking, anal, meticulous cleaner which is a whole other post and my complete opposite.  I see her eyes wandering over my house. Sometimes a little comment.  I know what she’s thinking.  I wish I could  be like her and my sister and best friend.  As best as I can try it’s never the same. BUT….I’ve been so much better these past few months.

Still feeling ugly, avoiding a mirror But for the past week I immediately put on a moisturizer right after I bushed my teeth.  Now I should probably wash  my face first but baby steps.  I don’t have a lot of wrinkles  just my eyes. Those damn crows feet.  But if I could fix one thing it would be to make over my eyes.

I’m  down this week about 5 pounds so this is huge for me, Reducing the fat pill has helped.  I can live with it the  little dose but who knows if it even does anything,  I’m still taking it until this new med is well on board which is ok because my appetite is now back to fairly norma or at least half  that it was with the med.

So this morning I fell/rolled out my bed. WTF? I sat up and then tumbled back. I waited for a moment for my husband to say OMG are you alright.  And I sat for a few more seconds I stumbled out the living room getting ready to leave for work.

When I mentioned to my son that I fell out of bed this morning he said “Oh, that was the crash I heard.”

🙂

 

 

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

My self hatred continues. As I type this I can see my reflection on my laptop screen and I’m trying to avoid looking at it.  I absolutely hate the way I look. I’ve never loved how I looked, I’m not one of those people who posts selfies of themselves. Whenever I see someone posting a selfie I figure they like the way they look and want everyone to see. They look captivating and pretty. Even those that aren’t model perfect…I can still see the beauty in them. I just can’t in me. I don’t want anyone to look at me.

This is so much worse than when I was thinner. I spent a long time overweight and then I was able to lose weight with my adderall thanks to my ADHD diagnosis. It continued for maybe 5 years or so.  It was effortless but then, I also think I was experiencing bouts of hypo-mania at the time. I was also working full time.

Back when I started my nursing job I was extremely self-conscious. I could only focus on my under eye circles and my weight. I had an obsession with trying to find concealer and eye creams. I felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking I looked unhealthy. I didn’t want to be one of the fattest nurses in the office. As I slowly lost weight I did begin to feel a little bit better about my appearance. I forced myself to STOP thinking about it when I could it and helped.

Now I just hate it. I hate me. I hate the way I look and I cannot figure out how to fix this.  I know I probably have some body dysmorphia.  I have mentioned hating looking at myself in the mirror to my pdoc a while ago but she said it was the depression.

If only I could lose weight I’d feel less ugly.  My psyche med caused me to gain weight extremely fast and it gives me a huge appetite that’s never satiated. If I were thinner I’d care more about my appearance and maybe I’d get some cuter clothes. I feel so fat and dowdy. All of my cuter (smaller) clothes have been sent to GoodWill and I’m left with mostly button up flannels.  Lumberjack. They are XL’s and aren’t loose.

This probably also relates to showers and self care.  I’m showering weekly. Most days I brush my teeth. I have been trying to use some moisturizer daily. I have an “age spot” or something on my cheek and I feel like it’s getting darker. Hopefully it will fade. I have been using an eye cream too but now I’ve noticed two small white milia that seem to be forming so I will stop using it.

I just took a detour and did some searching about body dysmorphia. Sounds like me. Treatment is an SSRI which I’m already on. I doubt she will add or change it with my bipolar diagnosis. CBT…I’m not interested in therapy so I don’t know what the answer is.

I think I should keep writing though. It’s good to get these thoughts out of my mind.

 

Twelve Facts About Me

Facts about the spinster:

  1. I’m not really a spinster.
  2. I suffer from bipolar disorder, migraines and anxiety.
  3. Currently on disability.
  4. +BRCA2
  5. Marijuana supporter.
  6. Dog lover. Please rescue.
  7. I’m obsessed with cats but mine loves my husband.
  8. Former crafter…knit, crochet, sew, embroider.
  9. Now that my mania is under control I have no interest in any of it.
  10. Sometimes I bake bread.
  11. I’m a nurse by profession.
  12. I’ve spent way to much time trying to come up with this list!

Self-Hatred

It’s so dull and ugly outside. The grass is dead, the tree branches are without leaves. It looks like I feel.

I have continued this self hatred of myself since my weight gain.  I hate the way I look. I hate looking in the mirror and I try not to. My face isn’t as ugly when I’m not so heavy. I feel so unattractive and cannot understand how my family looks at me. I wonder what they think when they look at their heavy mother vs their past thinner mom. My husband couldn’t actually be attracted to his size 16+ wife.

Food is such a struggle for me now. I’ve been on disability for 2 years and I’ve gotten fatter and fatter. I think ‘fuck it’. I don’t go anywhere so who cares what I look like. Then I let myself eat whatever I want.

The medication I take makes my appetite ravenous. I’m hungry basically all the time. I’m never satisfied. And the scale…I had a physical awhile back after not weighing myself in months and was I was shocked.  Since then I’ve felt hopeless over the situation.  I start out with good intentions and then my control wanes as my appetite skyrockets.

My diet sucks. The portions and the quality. I eat way too much sugar. Like seriously too much.  The other day I did great until my husband was running to the store and I asked him to pick me up some of those cadbury mini eggs which are my total weakness. He came home with two packs so of course I had to eat both of them. Ugh.

I’m going to have to come clean to my pdoc this month that I just starting cutting my hunger pill in half. I never stray from my doctors orders but I just feel like I’m at my wits end with my weight. So much due to that one little pill. Everything else is normal so I’ve got my mood stablizer on board.

So yesterday was the first day that I actually stuck to eating normally through the day. The scale showed a loss this morning so that is actually motivating.  I’m going to try and keep the momentum going and build upon each day.

 

CBD Oil, Anyone?

cannabis1

Every so often I go down the hole and start searching for my miracle migraine pill. Again.  Nothin’. Fuckin’. Works.

I’m sick of investing time and money into things that have not brought any relief to me. I try to be on top of any new medication studies or alternative therapies. I’m willing to give it a shot if it can help….meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, medication, diet.

I’ve been reading more and more about CBD oil.  Have you heard of it or tried it? Chewy from one of the blogs I follow Inside Chewys Mind recently wrote a blog post about it and it has piqued my interest.  She has had success with it.

cannabisCBD oil is made from the hemp or cannabis plant. It’s an extract…cannabidoil which has none of the psychoactive parts of the plant. That means none of the THC which is the part that can get you high.

CBD oil has antioxidents, fatty acids, vitamins. It’s helpful for pain, inflammation, anxiety, epilepsy and insomnia. They are just at the beginning of research so I’m confident they will find more benefits…it also appears it is an anti-cancer agent.

I don’t know a lot about it yet. There are many, many companies now making it and selling it. The dosages are all over the place and I don’t know how much it’s regulated. Are there better brands?

Yesterday I was out and about and stopped at Whole Foods.  I saw some hemp oil but I was told that they do not carry CBD oil.  I’m guessing the whole cannabis part of the equation plays into it even though it is 100% legal.

Luckily I have a cute little crunchy shop not too far from me. By crunchy I mean a health food store. And it’s a good store.  Usually I can find whatever thing I’m looking for and everyone is wicked helpful. I get my essential oils there regularly.

cannabis4I knew I should have went to my own little health food store. They are privately owned and I’m sure are more willing to go that route…I mean, hippies, right?  Yes, they might be a little more expensive for some things but they are convenient, usually have what I want and it smells sooo good in there. 🙂

I looked around quickly and didn’t see any CBD oil. They have a lot of stuff though so I asked the nice lady if they had it and she pointed to a top shelf up high. Wow….I was right about my store! She wasn’t super educated about it but gave me some literature on it so that was helpful.

They have several different products…water soluble, Oil, vape and gummies. Their brand is hemplucid which is by Whole Plant. But the price! A months supply bottle was about 50.00.

Unlike my typical impulsive self, I decided to think about it and do some more research.  I  don’t want to waste my time and money on something touted as the next best thing only to find out that it doesn’t work for me. Again.

Have you tried CBD oil? Does it make a difference in your health?

Naturally Messy

housework

Messy Bed Messy Head

I read this last year and it’s been one of the few habits I’ve been keeping. Make my bed every morning when I get up. It takes seconds. So I basically force myself to do it. But it gets done. It has been over a year and I’m still going strong.

My cleaning situation is pretty damn good lately. If someone stopped over I wouldn’t be mortified. My living room gets picked up at night and in the am. It doesn’t get terribly bad but my kids are in the (bad) habit of leaving their jackets and clothes in the living room so I take care of that. I make sure there are no dishes/glasses/cans sitting around and I fix my couch pillows.

The bathroom has been going well. I wipe it down with nice smelling cleaner daily. My washer and dryer are in my bathroom so it’s easy to throw a load in. After I clean my bathroom I brush my teeth and put on moisturizer. Gotta make it a habit!

Oh, here’s a big one. I’ve been sorting socks as they come out of the drier!!! In the past I was always so overwhelmed with my house and laundry situation. Everyone had to get their own socks which I threw into a big laundry basket. Now my boys have socks in their drawers. When I fold clothes now I put them right away.

I’m still getting there but I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

Mania High Switch

There have been several distinct times in my life where I felt the oddest tingling of my body. Physically tingling of my body like electricity. It feels so good. I thought it was because of ‘him’. Those few times actually did feel like I was literally high. I made a lot of mistakes high, too.

The last time I was manic I felt as though an instant switch had gone off one day. I had made a mistake at work and when I realized it my body went into a panic. I could feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. It was then that I started to spiral out of control.

Over the next couple of weeks I’d become paranoid and I was suddenly afraid of ghosts. I was likely psychotic. I became uncharacteristically religious. My mind would not let my mistake go. I was so anxious and obsessive over the job situation. I also had a false sense of grandiose thinking, believing I could easily get a new job.

At this point I feel like I’m at the most stable I’ve been in 2.5 years (and maybe ever). There haven’t been super highs and super lows. I don’t feel very depressed but I feel still do feel low, dull, apathetic and anxious. I think that’s my new norm. I’ve had small bouts of hypo-mania which are a welcome thing. Luckily I’m not dipping too much afterwards.