Self Love

facelessI’ve been meaning to post but for some reason I was focusing on the daily prompt and the latest words haven’t related to me much. I feel like it has to be a word I would normally unlike talisman!!??  I need to remember that the prompts are to stretch your imagination and PROMPT you. I just want to be real.

So I changed my facebook profile recently to appear faceless.  I’m struggling with this continued self hatred of my looks and I don’t want a recent picture of me up there since I’ve gained weight.  My face looks so much better lighter….and I’m weighing myself daily (yes I knooooow this isn’t good) and it gives me a little motivation when I see the number go down a little.  It helps me stay on track and not binge on shit.

I put up a random picture to hide my face. To hide me. I didn’t want to use an older, thinner picture because that is not who I am now.  Does that make sense? UGH. I just don’t like myself and this is internal, I get it. I just don’t know how to fix it.

This is definitely something recent…within the last year or so with the weight gain due to the various anti-psychotic medications we have been trying for the bipolar. It is truly remarkable how ravenous they make you. You feel hungry constantly and there are true hunger pains even shortly after a meal. Nothing satisfied me. Luckily we cut that med down to a bitty dose and it seems far better. I can control my eating. These meds cause an increase in blood sugar, weight and cholesterol which is like, duh, you eat everything.

Man, I sound like such a negative person here.  I’m thankful for this outlet to get my bad feelings out.  I think it does help.  Thank you guys for reading and for your support.  It means so much, seems cliche, but it’s true.



Mirror Mirror On The Wall

My self hatred continues. As I type this I can see my reflection on my laptop screen and I’m trying to avoid looking at it.  I absolutely hate the way I look. I’ve never loved how I looked, I’m not one of those people who posts selfies of themselves. Whenever I see someone posting a selfie I figure they like the way they look and want everyone to see. They look captivating and pretty. Even those that aren’t model perfect…I can still see the beauty in them. I just can’t in me. I don’t want anyone to look at me.

This is so much worse than when I was thinner. I spent a long time overweight and then I was able to lose weight with my adderall thanks to my ADHD diagnosis. It continued for maybe 5 years or so.  It was effortless but then, I also think I was experiencing bouts of hypo-mania at the time. I was also working full time.

Back when I started my nursing job I was extremely self-conscious. I could only focus on my under eye circles and my weight. I had an obsession with trying to find concealer and eye creams. I felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking I looked unhealthy. I didn’t want to be one of the fattest nurses in the office. As I slowly lost weight I did begin to feel a little bit better about my appearance. I forced myself to STOP thinking about it when I could it and helped.

Now I just hate it. I hate me. I hate the way I look and I cannot figure out how to fix this.  I know I probably have some body dysmorphia.  I have mentioned hating looking at myself in the mirror to my pdoc a while ago but she said it was the depression.

If only I could lose weight I’d feel less ugly.  My psyche med caused me to gain weight extremely fast and it gives me a huge appetite that’s never satiated. If I were thinner I’d care more about my appearance and maybe I’d get some cuter clothes. I feel so fat and dowdy. All of my cuter (smaller) clothes have been sent to GoodWill and I’m left with mostly button up flannels.  Lumberjack. They are XL’s and aren’t loose.

This probably also relates to showers and self care.  I’m showering weekly. Most days I brush my teeth. I have been trying to use some moisturizer daily. I have an “age spot” or something on my cheek and I feel like it’s getting darker. Hopefully it will fade. I have been using an eye cream too but now I’ve noticed two small white milia that seem to be forming so I will stop using it.

I just took a detour and did some searching about body dysmorphia. Sounds like me. Treatment is an SSRI which I’m already on. I doubt she will add or change it with my bipolar diagnosis. CBT…I’m not interested in therapy so I don’t know what the answer is.

I think I should keep writing though. It’s good to get these thoughts out of my mind.