The Hermit Goes To Four Bars!!

Last week I went out with my friend for the first time in ages. When I’m hypo-manic I’m on the hunt for live music and some drinks. I’m not remotely manic now so it was a big deal to go out for a few drinks.

I’m so self conscious. I always worry about what people think of me but now that I’m thinking back about our night I’m realizing I wasn’t this time. I focused on my friend and her bf who tagged along to drive us home. They were so nice.  She knew I’ve been kind of a hermit so she was trying to give me a tug.

We did a little bar hop in town and it was fun. I didn’t have much anxiety and enjoyed the night. I ended up getting a really bad migraine though when I got home from the alcohol. I can remember in my 30’s (my most manic years) being able to see two shows in a row and not have much of a hangover from the drinking.  Now it’s rare that I have a drink. So I traded a bit of fun for a migraine. So thankful when my abortive med does work!!

I got home about 11 and of course my slightly drunk ass forgot to take my meds. As I climbed into my bed against my husband I thought, this isn’t a bad life after all.

That really did me good.

Day 6 And NO Migraine

Guys, I think the CBD oil is working! I’m still skeptical.  Time will tell.  But in the mean time I’m celebrating 6 migraine free days. Truly surprised.  I’ve tried every next best thing. In the past there has been a couple meds that worked for a short period of time and then petered out. Nothing preventative has worked. My abortives sometimes work.

Besides no migraines, there have been no nausea.  There has also been no more cannabis for me.  I’m pro-pot, don’t get me wrong. I’ll get some more eventually just for an occasional puff or two. But the vaping has help tremendously with that.

Oh yeah, did I mention….NO appetite.

I’m taking the higher dose of sublingual tincture I can find around here which is 1000 mg and using a lower concentration for vaping.  I’ve been enjoying using the vape rather than smoking weed.  Plus I’m still getting some additional CBD.

Anxiety.  I’ve had several recent issues that normally would have triggered a migraine. There was crying involved. And stress. About my kids. One in particular. I did take some anxiety medication as directed by my psyche lady. Tonight I have about a 3/10 level headache.  Nothing I’d take anything for. Grabbed an ice pack. I will hopefully fall asleep and it will be gone in the morning.

I swear this blog is about more than CBD oil. But tomorrow I’m going to review the three brands I’ve tried so far.


Crunchy Essential Oils A Cure For All

I don’t have a migraine today.  No kind of headache actually.  I’m crossing my fingers for a miracle cure of the CBD oil.

But because I’m cursed, today my fibro is flaring up.  I had a stressful situation last night which reeeally stressed me out and I think it triggered it. I have pain in my leg, hip and back.

One thing that has helped in the past is frankincense oil. The ingredients can work for a variety of problems. They act like an analgesic.  It doesn’t have a hot feeling like other topicals.  And no bengay.  This stuff smells great.

It contains three homeopathic ingredients and 10 essential oils.  Frankincense, cinnamon, bergamot, lemon, myrrh, eucalyptus, peppermint,  nutmeg, geranium and rosemary. Whew.  It helps with a quartet (at least) of symptoms like numbness, tingling, shocking and pricking.  It helps my husbands back and hip.  Once he had a HUGE knot that felt like a large baseball on his lower back.  I could move it around.  First I had to calm down and reassure myself that no, this isn’t a tumor. It’s a knot.

I gave him a very deep tissue massage with this oil. It started to help immediately with the pain.  He’s such a skeptic but he was impressed that it worked some. It didn’t take away all the pain but it helped.  I kneaded that for two more days and it resolved.  Big lump gone! Highly recommend this stuff!

Noob Vaper. My CBD Oil and What I’ve Learned So Far.

I decided to do a review of a new vaporizer I purchased for my CBD oil after the first cheap crappy one I originally was sold.  I hope this helps someone else.  I am FAR FAR from an expert but this is what I’ve learned so far. The head shop didn’t have a selection.  The vape store did.

First thing to know is that the milligrams in the bottle is for the entire bottle. I originally got a 250 mg tincture which worked out to about 8 mg per dropper. It didn’t last long because I was using about 3 droppers full. I didn’t find it real helpful at all with the low dose.

I do have chronic pain from my fibro (or lymes…..could be) and I have the chronic migraines.  I’d say I have a high pain tolerance too. I don’t use opiods for my headaches and weed helps to take the edge off sometimes. I have two prescriptions that work ok some of the time.

We have a local vape store that I dared to go into with my husband.  I had that cheap vape pen and we were looking for something for him because he had a really good result with just the CBD oil.  He has neck/back/hip pain and takes tylenol and advil round the clock.  He also is a cigarette smoker.

I wanted to get him something CBD without THC and since he’s a smoker we figured we’d kill two birds with one stone and get some of the nicotine too.  Maybe it could help him quit or reduce his smoking. They were super nice and he’s been using his vaporizer since Sunday. It’s taking some tweaking to get the e-juice mix right.  They CBD kills his appetite so he asked me to lower that and increase the nicotine.  I did that and today he told me he thinks that ratio I did was too light on the CBD because his pain is back.  We’re working with droppers and it’s not really an exact science.

After testing out his new vaporizer I decided I need one of those. The cheapie took forever to charge and didn’t even last a day. So, being the impulsive being that I am ran back to the store yesterday for my own quality vaporizer. The guy who helped me recognized me from coming in with my husband and was so nice.  I always worry about other people’s opinion of me.  They must think I’m fat…they are staring at the circles under my eyes. UGH.  Anyway!

The Aspire Pockex was recommend.  This thing is great. It charges super fast. They have many pretty colors but I needed the rainbow 🙂 It comes with a charger and even an extra coil to replace as I guess this is a replaceable part.  They also carried all the extra parts.

You can tell it’s well made and high quality.  The only thing I wished were different was that it were a little more quiet.  It makes a quiet crackling sound that the cheapie didn’t.  Probably because it heats the oil properly. At any rate here’s my new crutch…I mean vaporizer.

The biggest change is that I’m no longer smoking the flowers. I have a bit left for a few hits if I want here or there but I’m not smoking as much as I was. Normally I have plenty to last me two weeks or so. It’s been over a week and I haven’t gotten more. I should note that my husb does not partake in those flowers, though he wishes he could.  He is subject to random testing so none of that for him.

It also has KILLED my appetite and I LOVE it. I don’t know if its the taste of the vape or the action of vaping but I’m eating way less and not snacking at all. HUGE change.  I was never a cigarette smoker but I’m loving vaping the CBD oil, especially while I chill at night in bed.  No smoke! The vapor smells good.  And maybe others notices this but watching the smoke really relaxes me.  It’s almost kinda like hypnotizing.  It has helped me sleep for sure. We will have to see how the cost compares to my other stuff.

I need to get another sublingual tincture. I can get a higher dose more easily instead of vaping as much as you’d have to do to get that dosage. It takes many puffs of the vape to equal even 8 mg. Those are kind of like micro doses.  I mistakenly thought that vaping would be stronger but that’s not the case. It does get in there quicker though. Noob.

You can find all kinds of info on doses online.  I’ve read for mild pain to take 8 mg a day, medium pain is 22 mg and severe pain 27 mg.  I AM NOT A DOCTOR and just trying to find my way through all the info!  I’m learning as I go!

Also, I should tell you that there are three companies who give a big discounts to people on disability and Veterans too.  Nuleaf, Bluebird and Lazurus Naturals. All of these brands are high quality with lab results to back up their product. I haven’t personally tried these brands and I’m not affiliated with them THOUGH I’D LOVE TO BE 🙂 I plan to order when I run out of my bottle.

Because there are so many companies out there you want to make sure they have lab results for the product showing how much CBD is in there product and you also want to know how it’s made. I’m still learning about that part. There are several ways and some are better than others.  There is full spectrum which is the whole plant in it and have around 3% THC and the more pure kind which has no THC at all. Got the husb the a brand that was pure CBD.

(if you got this far) Without further ado…my pretty new vaporizer. Solid construction, charger, replacement part and holds 2ml of your e-liquid. It was $30.00.







How Do You Explain Bipolar Disorder

I’ve been thinking a lot about the job that I quit.  The job I loved for over 5 years. I’m still sad about it.  I walked away.  Panic, paranoia…I quit.  I’m thinking about it more lately, maybe I’m ruminating I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we reduced that fat pill.  That’s what she’s probably going to say.  We will increase the new pill!  Why aren’t a psyche doctor for God sake? Know it all.

Sometimes I just walk around my house and think that this is it.  This is who I am. I don’t have a “thing” or job.  I don’t do any of the  old crafts that I once did.  I used to quilt and knit, crochet and lots of other things that kept me busy.  Unbeknownst to me I did these things in a manic way.  I see it now. Once I have become more stable I have no desire to do any of these things that once kept me entertained. I kind of felt they defined me. It was my thing.

Now I have no desire or patience to do anything like that. I’ve been coloring.  I got a book with pretty floral designs and I have done a bunch of pages. It is relaxing and good for my anxiety. I don’t feel like I want to read a pattern or learn some new stitch.  It feels like an overwhelming task to me so I don’t.

This is my new normal I guess.  I’m supposed to be even, no depressive dips nor any manic highs. I can feel flat and numb sometimes too, though. I’m trying to be present and see joy in the little things.  I get that. And I’m glad I’m not at the breaking point again feeling so MANIC IMPULSIVE PARANOID ANXIOUS DEPRESSED…

The happy medium, here I am. Emotionless at times.

And here I am back thinking about that job.  I was….OR AM a nurse, though I’m no longer able to work. I loved my job and thought I’d be there forever. But I was CONSTANTLY anxious.  My ADD meds probably made things worse.  I felt like I needed to be on them because of my scattered brain, my forgetfulness. I don’t think I was inefficient. I could do my job and I was good at a lot of it, especially I was anxious or had a migraine or was in the bathroom puking or the IBS.

I haven’t really talked much to my parents much about the impact this has had on my life….bipolar disorder.  I think they think I’m just moody.  When I first told my mom I was applying for disability for bipolar disorder she kind of laughed and said “sweetie, they don’t give you disability for bipolar”.  Hah. HAAAH.  Yes the do mom.  They certainly do.  It trumped my long term chronic migraines, my IBS, my anxiety.

I’ve tried to explain it to her at times.  She says she gets it.  She was over last week and I pulled out my computer to read her some info. When I started to talk about manic symptoms I listed them and she said she got it.  Yeah, ok I understand. When I was first diagnosed I needed therapy.  (Yes…for some people go for it. It’s just not for me). Basically she was saying it was all in my head and therapy would straighten me out. She gets that there is a depression aspect as she also has suffered from depression. And she gets I need meds, too.  But there is a lot involved in my diagnosis that I just don’t think she gets.

A while back I was at their house and my dad looked at me and said “You really can’t work?” like he was confused and just didn’t get it.  I tried to explain to him that my brain doesn’t work right. I was constantly f’ing up at work, I can’t do math, I would put patients in the wrong rooms, I gave a wrong shot(it was out of order…and not really a huge thing but still a mistake and could have been serious)

When I was a little girl I remember him trying to help me with my multiplication facts.  He’d get so mad.  Now….he was my new stepfather sRo I’ve always given him a pass. I know how he is. And math is his thing.  But I couldn’t do the facts, probably because I was too nervous or ADD or whatever it was. No patience whatsoever.  I guess maybe it was a learning disability.  I went on and eventually was able to muddle through nursing school.  So I’m not stupid.  I have to have gotten through solely by mania.  Staying up til 2 or 3 oclock studying or doing a paper with school the next day at 7. It had to be.

How do you guys explain what bipolar is? My mum is bringing me to the psyche doc next week because I don’t currently have a car at my disposal. I was contemplating letting her come to my med check so she could kind of get an idea of things with the questions and assessment my psyche lady will do.


Self Love

facelessI’ve been meaning to post but for some reason I was focusing on the daily prompt and the latest words haven’t related to me much. I feel like it has to be a word I would normally unlike talisman!!??  I need to remember that the prompts are to stretch your imagination and PROMPT you. I just want to be real.

So I changed my facebook profile recently to appear faceless.  I’m struggling with this continued self hatred of my looks and I don’t want a recent picture of me up there since I’ve gained weight.  My face looks so much better lighter….and I’m weighing myself daily (yes I knooooow this isn’t good) and it gives me a little motivation when I see the number go down a little.  It helps me stay on track and not binge on shit.

I put up a random picture to hide my face. To hide me. I didn’t want to use an older, thinner picture because that is not who I am now.  Does that make sense? UGH. I just don’t like myself and this is internal, I get it. I just don’t know how to fix it.

This is definitely something recent…within the last year or so with the weight gain due to the various anti-psychotic medications we have been trying for the bipolar. It is truly remarkable how ravenous they make you. You feel hungry constantly and there are true hunger pains even shortly after a meal. Nothing satisfied me. Luckily we cut that med down to a bitty dose and it seems far better. I can control my eating. These meds cause an increase in blood sugar, weight and cholesterol which is like, duh, you eat everything.

Man, I sound like such a negative person here.  I’m thankful for this outlet to get my bad feelings out.  I think it does help.  Thank you guys for reading and for your support.  It means so much, seems cliche, but it’s true.


Damn Migraines.

Migraine and I go way back. I was a small child when I was cursed this lifelong invisible illness. I cannot remember a time when I didn’t have them.  They happen, I treat them. Sometimes with moderate success and sometimes like this damn week I cannot escape them. Ice is my best friend.

It’s so hard to have patience while testing out a new med or treatment especially being hopeful that this is the one that will work. Nothing preventative has really worked for me. I’ve tried this impressive list of treatments, medications, therapies, etc.  I might be missing some. If you’ve got something else to add please comment.

Without further ado, my impressive list…..

  • meditation
  • biofeedback
  • acupunctture
  • acupressure
  • aromatherapy
  • moxibuctiion
  • black seed oil
  • fish oil
  • magnesium, riboflavin, vit d.
  • skull cap, valerian root (instant super bad headache with the valerian root
  • standard migraine meds: topamax, blood pressure meds, ergotomines, anti seizure,  anti anxiety, anti psychotics, muscle relaxing meds
  • low dose naltrexone
  • feverfew
  • chiropractic
  • ashwanga root
  • tens unit
  • nerve block
  • botox
  • massage
  • volteron gel
  • weed
  • and various things I’m forgetting.


Heady Harvest

So, two weeks ago I got myself my first little bottle of the new thing on the block…CBD oil.  I’ve written about it a little bit here and here.  I’m hearing more and more about it so I figured it was time to try.

My first bottle was from Hemplucid 250 mg (in the entire bottle).  I didn’t research much about the various strengths and never considered vaping at that point. My thought was by mouth was the most natural. The flavor was very organic, nutty and weedy.

I got only slight relief of a migraine after taking about three droppers (or 3 ml) full which was about 24 mg. I will admit I was disappointed in the result after I tried with my migraines all last week.  I first thought it might have been triggering them but they continued after I stopped so it wasn’t the oil. The dosages for pain are much higher I’m learning.

My husband tried it for his back pain and he really felt a difference. He’s concerned that he may get picked for a random drug test and doesn’t want to come up + for THC.  I find it highly unlikely it would but it is a risk. The 100% THC products are super expensive. It seems all of the brands I’ve looked at say THC level is <.03.

Today my husband took me to a glass shop. I was nervous going because I wasn’t really sure exactly what I wanted or needed.  I’m a noob, plus anxiety. I didn’t want to look dumb and and embarrass myself blushing in front of a hipster stoner dude. Turns out it was a girl and she was super welcoming and nice!  They had several regular CBD oils that you take sublingual and the concentrates.

I was there for the concentrate and decided vaping might work better for me.  I got the “disposable” vape with the 750mg cartridge. I got the pineapple flavored but there were others as well as lower strenghs.

So I paid $50 for the cartridge/pen tip thing which has the oil and the actual pen vape thingee was 15.00. I didn’t think it was too bad.  A little over my weekly “flower” budget but maybe it will last longer.  I’m not sure how or if I will save money vaping.

I always hate when I run out of flowers.  I think I will order the refills on line or send hubs into the shop since he passes it on his way to and from work! Win, win. 🙂

I’ve been definitely puffing on the vape this afternoon.  My headache has decreased a lot. I feel better.  Maybe it’s a start.

Sometimes I get so tense but I can’t speed up the time

Just a little patience, yeah yeah yeah.

It’s no surprise that the lyrics to this song by Guns N Roses come immediately to mind.  I’m a child of the 80’s. And I’ve read that Axel Rose is “crazy”.  And I use that loosely.  So I feel for him because so I am.  Though…there was that rumor about him and a litter box that I just can’t get over. Allegedly.

Music is just such a weird thing for me. In the height of my mania it played a big role in it. I couldn’t get enough of live music. Overnight shows, risky business, spending too much money and drinking too much during the music.

Since I’ve been diagnosed, I’ve had two hypo-mania episodes going to a couple of shows. I’m able to recognize it now.  This last time I had been on a little road trip with a girlfriend(which I literally had to be dragged to go) It was a depressive phase but soon I was feeling so much better being out. I felt great. I was so happy and we had a great time. Once home I texted a friend about seeing another show soon and she replied sure after I was off my high. She has no idea of my diagnosis but she was so right on the money though. I was giddy. I was shocked at her very accurate description.

Luckily this episode didn’t last very long and I soon forgot about going back out which is why I wrote it off to hypo-mania. I’m far too concerned with my weight and looks to go anywhere.  Now, I can see if I were looking thin and feeling prettier being more tempted to go out. But going out isn’t so much a problem as it turning into full mania and next thing you know…I’m skinny! Increase in self esteem, sexuality, confidence.  All things that I need to be wary of.

Hope you guys are having a good weekend. ❤

Help, I’ve fallen And I can’t Get Up

She called this morning I’m sure because I have had a migraine all week. Yeah they are benign but they still effect my life and moms don’t want their kids to be in pain.  I can get through it thought. It’s a fact of life and there is no real hope for them to miraculously leave.  I remember a little while ago she confessed how sorry she was to give me these headaches and she’d take them for me if she could.  It’s not her fault.  I have some sort of fucked up brain and i can usually fix it if i have my meds.  I take too many for them (but with my doctors ok) but they help. I haven’t gone to the ER in years for a migraine which is really discouraged anyway.  We are drug seekers. And I don’t use opiates, btw.

While I was talking I tried not to cry but I broke down.  I explained it isn’t even the migraines.  It’s the ugly.  She reassured me as moms will do. I am not ugly.  I am beautiful.  Then she asked if she could stop over which I don’t usually like because of the status of my house. .  We have an issue where she is a freaking, anal, meticulous cleaner which is a whole other post and my complete opposite.  I see her eyes wandering over my house. Sometimes a little comment.  I know what she’s thinking.  I wish I could  be like her and my sister and best friend.  As best as I can try it’s never the same. BUT….I’ve been so much better these past few months.

Still feeling ugly, avoiding a mirror But for the past week I immediately put on a moisturizer right after I bushed my teeth.  Now I should probably wash  my face first but baby steps.  I don’t have a lot of wrinkles  just my eyes. Those damn crows feet.  But if I could fix one thing it would be to make over my eyes.

I’m  down this week about 5 pounds so this is huge for me, Reducing the fat pill has helped.  I can live with it the  little dose but who knows if it even does anything,  I’m still taking it until this new med is well on board which is ok because my appetite is now back to fairly norma or at least half  that it was with the med.

So this morning I fell/rolled out my bed. WTF? I sat up and then tumbled back. I waited for a moment for my husband to say OMG are you alright.  And I sat for a few more seconds I stumbled out the living room getting ready to leave for work.

When I mentioned to my son that I fell out of bed this morning he said “Oh, that was the crash I heard.”