Sometimes I get so tense but I can’t speed up the time

Just a little patience, yeah yeah yeah.

It’s no surprise that the lyrics to this song by Guns N Roses come immediately to mind.  I’m a child of the 80’s. And I’ve read that Axel Rose is “crazy”.  And I use that loosely.  So I feel for him because so I am.  Though…there was that rumor about him and a litter box that I just can’t get over. Allegedly.

Music is just such a weird thing for me. In the height of my mania it played a big role in it. I couldn’t get enough of live music. Overnight shows, risky business, spending too much money and drinking too much during the music.

Since I’ve been diagnosed, I’ve had two hypo-mania episodes going to a couple of shows. I’m able to recognize it now.  This last time I had been on a little road trip with a girlfriend(which I literally had to be dragged to go) It was a depressive phase but soon I was feeling so much better being out. I felt great. I was so happy and we had a great time. Once home I texted a friend about seeing another show soon and she replied sure after I was off my high. She has no idea of my diagnosis but she was so right on the money though. I was giddy. I was shocked at her very accurate description.

Luckily this episode didn’t last very long and I soon forgot about going back out which is why I wrote it off to hypo-mania. I’m far too concerned with my weight and looks to go anywhere.  Now, I can see if I were looking thin and feeling prettier being more tempted to go out. But going out isn’t so much a problem as it turning into full mania and next thing you know…I’m skinny! Increase in self esteem, sexuality, confidence.  All things that I need to be wary of.

Hope you guys are having a good weekend. ❤


Help, I’ve fallen And I can’t Get Up

She called this morning I’m sure because I have had a migraine all week. Yeah they are benign but they still effect my life and moms don’t want their kids to be in pain.  I can get through it thought. It’s a fact of life and there is no real hope for them to miraculously leave.  I remember a little while ago she confessed how sorry she was to give me these headaches and she’d take them for me if she could.  It’s not her fault.  I have some sort of fucked up brain and i can usually fix it if i have my meds.  I take too many for them (but with my doctors ok) but they help. I haven’t gone to the ER in years for a migraine which is really discouraged anyway.  We are drug seekers. And I don’t use opiates, btw.

While I was talking I tried not to cry but I broke down.  I explained it isn’t even the migraines.  It’s the ugly.  She reassured me as moms will do. I am not ugly.  I am beautiful.  Then she asked if she could stop over which I don’t usually like because of the status of my house. .  We have an issue where she is a freaking, anal, meticulous cleaner which is a whole other post and my complete opposite.  I see her eyes wandering over my house. Sometimes a little comment.  I know what she’s thinking.  I wish I could  be like her and my sister and best friend.  As best as I can try it’s never the same. BUT….I’ve been so much better these past few months.

Still feeling ugly, avoiding a mirror But for the past week I immediately put on a moisturizer right after I bushed my teeth.  Now I should probably wash  my face first but baby steps.  I don’t have a lot of wrinkles  just my eyes. Those damn crows feet.  But if I could fix one thing it would be to make over my eyes.

I’m  down this week about 5 pounds so this is huge for me, Reducing the fat pill has helped.  I can live with it the  little dose but who knows if it even does anything,  I’m still taking it until this new med is well on board which is ok because my appetite is now back to fairly norma or at least half  that it was with the med.

So this morning I fell/rolled out my bed. WTF? I sat up and then tumbled back. I waited for a moment for my husband to say OMG are you alright.  And I sat for a few more seconds I stumbled out the living room getting ready to leave for work.

When I mentioned to my son that I fell out of bed this morning he said “Oh, that was the crash I heard.”




When Meds Don’t Work


Super terrible very bad day ending on a reflective note. The calm after the storm. I spent the afternoon laying in bed with ice on my neck and a cold wash cloth on my forehead.  Just like when i was a little girl. It’s my one go to. It’s my one comfort. I was there for several hours dozing on and off.  I sleep with my knees up when I have a migraine.  I have no idea why but I noticed my daughter does the same thing. Maybe she learned from me? As the pain increased I tried a wicked hot shower which really didn’t do anything.  Sometimes if it’s not too bad it can help.

mj3I tried the CBD oil and I did get some relief from it for a short time.  I need a bigger strength.  I tried a little later but I only had about half a dose so it didn’t help.  I wondered if it provoked a migraine earlier this week but I’m giving it time.

My husb came home around five. It’s difficult to talk or yell when I have a bad migraine. I mummble as little words as I can but I was able to call out from my room. He gave me a back, nape of the neck massage. A reassuring voice.  This is a tension/migraine.

I took two more fiorcet as it had been hours since the first dose.  My bottle says 1-2 per day/per headache.  One never works anymore.  I used to use one along with an excedrine, but that doesn’t help. Now I use two and it helps with a more mild migraine vs a super bad one. My triptan is my gold standard.  I’m out tonight. It usually brings it down to a 3 or less.

One things about my migraines is I never lie about them. I don’t use it for an excuse to get out of doing the dishes or the laundry or go visit my mum.  I feel like that would be jinxing things. KARMA. I don’t like heath jinxs if you know what I mean.  When I was working I never used it as an excuse either unless I was truly unable to go work or had to leave. I worked through hundreds of migraines, running into the rest room to throw up and sitting at my desk with my lights off and head down during lunch.

Anyway, the kids are out tonight and it’s just me and the husb.  He isn’t hungry and I’m nauseous so we spent “dinner time” quietly chatting in bed.  He is so supportive despite all the things he doesn’t do right :-). He helps me feel safe and gets me what I need…ice, meds, something to drink while I lay in the darkened room. But he layed down with me and he talked about his day and I complained about my fucking head pain.  He never complains, always believes. This man is my soulmate.

After the second dose of my PRN med which didn’t do anything I tried a klonapin.  I’m kind of blurry and chatty now. it’s still there and my ice packs are waiting to freeze up again. Maybe I’m relaxing some.  Maybe I’m just stoned with a migraine. :shrug:mj4

If it happens to go away by tomorrow morning, the lingering effects….the postdrome hangover will stick around so it will be a very quiet day for me. Everyone is at work tomorrow.  My house is clean, laundry done, dishwasher loaded so no worries about that. I can sleep in but probably wont. The pup will need feeding and potty-ing. I’ll need a coffee. Other than that I’m laying low and I WILL NOT feel guilty.


Migraines For Dayz

Am I ever gonna stop writing about migraines? It’s been four days.  Maybe I’m in a rebound phase. I know about atmospheric changes but I’m not familiar with snow doing it.  Maybe that’s it.  My triptan had helped for a little bit yesterday but I’m out and you can only use it once per day though you can repeat it about an hour if it’s not effective.  Man, they give you like 9 pills and it’s supposed to last the month or they say you’re using it too much.

I cannot take excedrine any more.  Perhaps maybe very, very sparingly with food and zantac or something. It wrecks my stomach for days after. If I use it two days in a row or twice in a day my stomach kills me for a week.

I’ve got my ice. I’m in my room trying to chill without any noise. I took my anti-nausea medication.,  Maybe it’s a good time to try the CBD oil again since nothing is helping and my second line med isn’t helping.  I just took about 16 mgs (which is quite low).

I initially tried the CBD oil and a preventative.  I seemed to have a headache the entire time i was testing it so I stopped it thinking it may have been triggering them. I gave it to my husband who has some joint, disc and nerve problems and he said it absolutely worked.  Unfortunately he has random drug testing at work and he’s afraid it will show up. The percentage of THC in the oils is < 3% which to me seems like nothing.  It’s legal. But if it sets off a positive drug test it wont be good. I was having him try it for a few days before he began to think of the consequences so now he doesn’t want to try again unless we get an brand with 0% THC.  And it’s expensive…they all are.

There is no magic cure for me. I’ve tried so many things from regular meds to holistic medicine and therapies over the years.

Just a little frustrated today.  Sorry for the  bummer of a post.  Thanks for reading ❤



Mirror Mirror On The Wall

My self hatred continues. As I type this I can see my reflection on my laptop screen and I’m trying to avoid looking at it.  I absolutely hate the way I look. I’ve never loved how I looked, I’m not one of those people who posts selfies of themselves. Whenever I see someone posting a selfie I figure they like the way they look and want everyone to see. They look captivating and pretty. Even those that aren’t model perfect…I can still see the beauty in them. I just can’t in me. I don’t want anyone to look at me.

This is so much worse than when I was thinner. I spent a long time overweight and then I was able to lose weight with my adderall thanks to my ADHD diagnosis. It continued for maybe 5 years or so.  It was effortless but then, I also think I was experiencing bouts of hypo-mania at the time. I was also working full time.

Back when I started my nursing job I was extremely self-conscious. I could only focus on my under eye circles and my weight. I had an obsession with trying to find concealer and eye creams. I felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking I looked unhealthy. I didn’t want to be one of the fattest nurses in the office. As I slowly lost weight I did begin to feel a little bit better about my appearance. I forced myself to STOP thinking about it when I could it and helped.

Now I just hate it. I hate me. I hate the way I look and I cannot figure out how to fix this.  I know I probably have some body dysmorphia.  I have mentioned hating looking at myself in the mirror to my pdoc a while ago but she said it was the depression.

If only I could lose weight I’d feel less ugly.  My psyche med caused me to gain weight extremely fast and it gives me a huge appetite that’s never satiated. If I were thinner I’d care more about my appearance and maybe I’d get some cuter clothes. I feel so fat and dowdy. All of my cuter (smaller) clothes have been sent to GoodWill and I’m left with mostly button up flannels.  Lumberjack. They are XL’s and aren’t loose.

This probably also relates to showers and self care.  I’m showering weekly. Most days I brush my teeth. I have been trying to use some moisturizer daily. I have an “age spot” or something on my cheek and I feel like it’s getting darker. Hopefully it will fade. I have been using an eye cream too but now I’ve noticed two small white milia that seem to be forming so I will stop using it.

I just took a detour and did some searching about body dysmorphia. Sounds like me. Treatment is an SSRI which I’m already on. I doubt she will add or change it with my bipolar diagnosis. CBT…I’m not interested in therapy so I don’t know what the answer is.

I think I should keep writing though. It’s good to get these thoughts out of my mind.


Twelve Facts About Me

Facts about the spinster:

  1. I’m not really a spinster.
  2. I suffer from bipolar disorder, migraines and anxiety.
  3. Currently on disability.
  4. +BRCA2
  5. Marijuana supporter.
  6. Dog lover. Please rescue.
  7. I’m obsessed with cats but mine loves my husband.
  8. Former crafter…knit, crochet, sew, embroider.
  9. Now that my mania is under control I have no interest in any of it.
  10. Sometimes I bake bread.
  11. I’m a nurse by profession.
  12. I’ve spent way to much time trying to come up with this list!


It’s so dull and ugly outside. The grass is dead, the tree branches are without leaves. It looks like I feel.

I have continued this self hatred of myself since my weight gain.  I hate the way I look. I hate looking in the mirror and I try not to. My face isn’t as ugly when I’m not so heavy. I feel so unattractive and cannot understand how my family looks at me. I wonder what they think when they look at their heavy mother vs their past thinner mom. My husband couldn’t actually be attracted to his size 16+ wife.

Food is such a struggle for me now. I’ve been on disability for 2 years and I’ve gotten fatter and fatter. I think ‘fuck it’. I don’t go anywhere so who cares what I look like. Then I let myself eat whatever I want.

The medication I take makes my appetite ravenous. I’m hungry basically all the time. I’m never satisfied. And the scale…I had a physical awhile back after not weighing myself in months and was I was shocked.  Since then I’ve felt hopeless over the situation.  I start out with good intentions and then my control wanes as my appetite skyrockets.

My diet sucks. The portions and the quality. I eat way too much sugar. Like seriously too much.  The other day I did great until my husband was running to the store and I asked him to pick me up some of those cadbury mini eggs which are my total weakness. He came home with two packs so of course I had to eat both of them. Ugh.

I’m going to have to come clean to my pdoc this month that I just starting cutting my hunger pill in half. I never stray from my doctors orders but I just feel like I’m at my wits end with my weight. So much due to that one little pill. Everything else is normal so I’ve got my mood stablizer on board.

So yesterday was the first day that I actually stuck to eating normally through the day. The scale showed a loss this morning so that is actually motivating.  I’m going to try and keep the momentum going and build upon each day.


Migraine Alternatives

spinsterYesterday after talking with my husband and with his encouragement I went and picked up that little bottle of CBD oil by Hemilucid. I just hate spending money on something that might not work. I wish I had read dosage charts first though. I think my shop had two strengths and I grabbed the lowest dosage which is what you’re supposed to start with anyway.  For acute pain like a migraine the dosages should be higher.

The taste…very weedy, nutty tasting but not super strong.  I can easily hold it under my tongue for a minute or so and it doesn’t make me gag or anything which was a fear. I don’t feel like i have to hide it in something.

Yesterday I tried the 30 ml dosage (which is aprox 8mg) first to see if it would help with the current migraine. I didn’t notice any change so I repeated the dosage and a half and laid down with ice. It did dull down and by dinner I was able to get up and hang with my family.

It was fun telling both of my boys I picked up some CBD oil.  They were both interested in it and I let them both try it last night. (Both are over 18 not that it matters)  I wondered if it would help son with his anxiety. It made him a little tired he thought but he did have a long day at work. I haven’t had a chance to talk with my other guy about his results.

I’m definitely going to play around with a higher dosage. I want to take it as a preventative so I will work it into my daily routine. I did take the smaller dose this morning and I do have a migraine brewing (again…) UGH.

I just wonder if it’s going to be an expensive alternative to migraine meds. Granted…healthier for sure.  It could eliminate the issues i’ve been having from taking NSAID’s.

I’ll keep you all updated!

CBD Oil, Anyone?


Every so often I go down the hole and start searching for my miracle migraine pill. Again.  Nothin’. Fuckin’. Works.

I’m sick of investing time and money into things that have not brought any relief to me. I try to be on top of any new medication studies or alternative therapies. I’m willing to give it a shot if it can help….meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, medication, diet.

I’ve been reading more and more about CBD oil.  Have you heard of it or tried it? Chewy from one of the blogs I follow Inside Chewys Mind recently wrote a blog post about it and it has piqued my interest.  She has had success with it.

cannabisCBD oil is made from the hemp or cannabis plant. It’s an extract…cannabidoil which has none of the psychoactive parts of the plant. That means none of the THC which is the part that can get you high.

CBD oil has antioxidents, fatty acids, vitamins. It’s helpful for pain, inflammation, anxiety, epilepsy and insomnia. They are just at the beginning of research so I’m confident they will find more benefits…it also appears it is an anti-cancer agent.

I don’t know a lot about it yet. There are many, many companies now making it and selling it. The dosages are all over the place and I don’t know how much it’s regulated. Are there better brands?

Yesterday I was out and about and stopped at Whole Foods.  I saw some hemp oil but I was told that they do not carry CBD oil.  I’m guessing the whole cannabis part of the equation plays into it even though it is 100% legal.

Luckily I have a cute little crunchy shop not too far from me. By crunchy I mean a health food store. And it’s a good store.  Usually I can find whatever thing I’m looking for and everyone is wicked helpful. I get my essential oils there regularly.

cannabis4I knew I should have went to my own little health food store. They are privately owned and I’m sure are more willing to go that route…I mean, hippies, right?  Yes, they might be a little more expensive for some things but they are convenient, usually have what I want and it smells sooo good in there. 🙂

I looked around quickly and didn’t see any CBD oil. They have a lot of stuff though so I asked the nice lady if they had it and she pointed to a top shelf up high. Wow….I was right about my store! She wasn’t super educated about it but gave me some literature on it so that was helpful.

They have several different products…water soluble, Oil, vape and gummies. Their brand is hemplucid which is by Whole Plant. But the price! A months supply bottle was about 50.00.

Unlike my typical impulsive self, I decided to think about it and do some more research.  I  don’t want to waste my time and money on something touted as the next best thing only to find out that it doesn’t work for me. Again.

Have you tried CBD oil? Does it make a difference in your health?

Naturally Messy


Messy Bed Messy Head

I read this last year and it’s been one of the few habits I’ve been keeping. Make my bed every morning when I get up. It takes seconds. So I basically force myself to do it. But it gets done. It has been over a year and I’m still going strong.

My cleaning situation is pretty damn good lately. If someone stopped over I wouldn’t be mortified. My living room gets picked up at night and in the am. It doesn’t get terribly bad but my kids are in the (bad) habit of leaving their jackets and clothes in the living room so I take care of that. I make sure there are no dishes/glasses/cans sitting around and I fix my couch pillows.

The bathroom has been going well. I wipe it down with nice smelling cleaner daily. My washer and dryer are in my bathroom so it’s easy to throw a load in. After I clean my bathroom I brush my teeth and put on moisturizer. Gotta make it a habit!

Oh, here’s a big one. I’ve been sorting socks as they come out of the drier!!! In the past I was always so overwhelmed with my house and laundry situation. Everyone had to get their own socks which I threw into a big laundry basket. Now my boys have socks in their drawers. When I fold clothes now I put them right away.

I’m still getting there but I’m proud of how far I’ve come.